Today …..

Today has been a struggle… a struggle to keep going, to complete the daily chores.  It’s left me feeling down and utterly fed up but part of me keeps saying “chin up girl it could be a lot worse”. …

It certainly could be a lot worse but today has been a struggle.  I’ve struggled with insomnia this last week,  something I’ve had for months now but compounded by my asthma playing up.   It started last week, shortness of breath but it was manageable.  I took the usual steps, doubled up my preventative inhalers, something I do as a matter of course if I feel a bad bout coming on although thankfully they are few and fair between.  Usually the result of an infection but sometimes triggered by simple things like dust or the weather turning hot then cold and vice versa. 

I’ve been asthmatic since about five years old and it’s something I’ve learnt to cope with.  Determined not to let it stop me doing anything.  But sometimes it catches me unawares, like today.  I thought I had overcome the bleep last week and enjoyed a symptom free day on Saturday while at Blogon Cymru.  So I thought the worse had passed…

Then last night it struck again, sudden shortness of breath, a tight chest, like someone closing off my airway… an unpleasant experience even for someone who’s experienced it over and over again.  I’d continued with my doubled dose of preventers so resulted to my reliever though only to gain relief after a couple of hours.  No wheeze, just shortness of breath, I don’t know what’s worse to be honest.    Those who have asthma will know that feeling you get after too much ventolin, it wipes you out, makes you feel like your floating but annoyingly last night I couldn’t sleep. 

Utterly fed up I rang my gp this morning and managed to get an appointment this morning after the school run.  Part of me hoped an infection would be found but no, no infection.  Don’t get me wrong I was relieved but deflated because why was I experiencing this blip?  The gp was also unsure and as I had taken steps to double my preventers the only thing was steroid tablets and see how I go.  

An hour later the shortness of breath disappeared and I thought relief.  I rested for a few hours, well as much as you can with a toddler and four crazy kittens tearing around.  I felt hope, that things would now improve and with that my mood lifted.    I’ve been quiet today due to tiredness and the effect of my inhalers, felt utterly fed up at times and thought I could crawl back into bed.  But then I’ve had school runs to do and the usual chores to complete so I’ve plodded on, smiling, nodding in all the right places at the children and my husband, even at the other parents at the school gates. 

Then darkness fell and the symptoms returned….. with them the feeling of being utterly fed up and feeling sorry for myself.  I hate this feeling, I hate that this condition can completely floor you.  I’m stubborn, maybe my own worse enemy, determined to plod on, not let the children see I’m struggling.     Their asleep now thanks to dad of 3 doing the bedtime routine as usual, allowing me to sit downstairs and rest.  

Asthma like other conditions is often hidden, something that sometimes goes unnoticed.  Sometimes a smile and a nod hide a person who’s struggling for one reason or another.  They maybe hidden but they can be debilitating in so many ways.  I’ll pick myself up and carry on because I have to, because I refuse to let it impact my daily life.  But please don’t judge a book by its cover…..


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